words are not enough

God has taken my breath away so many times in the past one and a half weeks, and I just can't explain in words how beautiful God is, how beautiful is the work that He does, how beautiful His redemption, how beautiful even His timing is! A visual glimpse of my life in the past two weeks: I have been screaming (literally.) quite a lot lately (mainly because words can't do justice to the emotion and joy that I feel), I've been singing praise songs and dancing on the T, I've been crying because work gets hard sometimes and sometimes God breaks my heart for something or someone, but at the same time worshiping because God is sooo good through it all!

A short story from today. The sermon at church was about John 17:1-5, and the main message was how there's a difference in knowing about/of Jesus, and actually knowing Jesus. Before the closing worship set at the end I was staring at the floor and suddenly I just felt God saying to me (I say "felt" because it wasn't like I heard Him talking... though I am slightly curious in knowing what God's voice really sounds like) that He was going to break a particular non-Christian friend who God was really breaking my heart for in the past year, and how He was going to break my heart for her, again. The only thought I had was "What the heck?" but I kind of just ignored it. But then at the end of service this person came up to me and said that she wanted to meet up with me and that she really needed to talk. So we met up, and she shared soooo much... essentially the message made her extremely sad because she felt like she was one of those who knew about Jesus but didn't actually know Jesus, but that she wanted to, but was just so scared to make that commitment when she wasn't 100% sure, and was just very confused. I found that I had no words of comfort for her, even though a lot of the things she said I had gone through as well, I just didn't know what to say that would matter or make her feel better. I am not sure if it made her feel better or worse, but the only thing I could really do was cry along a little with her. But then when I prayed for her, I was assured by God knowing that it isn't what I say to her but the truths and love that God will be speaking into her life that matters, and that God is calling the name of His lost sheep and she hears... He is just waiting, waiting for her to take hold of His outstretched right hand, and to make the jump.

I feel like I have been so blessed with the front row seat of seeing God calling His people home. It's been pretty crazy just to see how so many people I have come to know have come to Christ, and so many are moving closer to Jesus from where they were before... and just think, this is just a tiny fraction of the amazing work that God is doing in the world!! And it's crazy because it is nothing of what you or I do, but everything of what God does!



Oh, and a prayer request. This is kind of a different tone from what I wrote above. But... yesterday was the first time I talked to my mom in about half a week. And she told me that she is getting a colonoscopy (spelling?) on Monday. I have no idea what that means, but she said that she will be under local anestesia (again, spelling?). There isn't a high risk but there is risk involved, and then she got into this whole thing about if anything happens, she wants me to know that she doesn't want resuscitation. And I just started feeling sooo guilty, because it just made me think, oh God, what happens if something did happen, and I just never tried hard enough to share the gospel with her, or share God's love with her and she never knew? I could have tried harder or called her every day so that she would know of God's love for her... I think that God doesn't intend for me to feel that guilt that so weighs upon my heart at the moment, but at the same time I have no idea what to do with it. So, I don't know what the prayer request is, but should you so decide to pray, please ask Jesus how he's praying for me about that. Then you will know how to pray.